Very moments

2007 has thus far prove to a long long one…..

jan 1 2007, i had my first 38.1 deg fever since 1999…. i was on night duty on the 31th when i was hit with chills and rigor….

when most people were recovering from the hangover of new year partying…. i was sitting in the clinic waiting to see a doctor…

was down for 9 days, seen 3 doctors, 8 days of MC and temperature high as 39.4 deg…. viral fever…. throat was sore like hell… am recovering slowly… lucky for me, i was well cared for by my loved ones… this dreadful incident had strengthen my relationships with my love ones… Thank you all for looking after me….

then people around me began to fall sick….

and as if rain water is free… the skies have been pouring like no tomorrow… i can’t even plan for my beach holiday… sigh… is it the sign that the end of the world is near…. with the climatic changes… wars, religious conflicts… sigh…. why cant we love each other as one….

money is also of concern this year…. new home, lots of bills, new commitments… sigh…. how can i earn more…. my master degree now has to be put on hold…

my baby, always a baby has grown up and is already attending primary 1 and loving it… spoken to him and he seems to have grown so much since school started….

there’s so many changes in my plans… so many major decisions that have to be made.. even in this early month of the year… so much needs to be done… and yet i just don’t want to move… sigh….

really hope things will smoothen itself with the entry of the golden pig…

to my buddies and dear friends… i am so sorry i have not spent enough time with you people, i am sorry for not being in contact…. i promise i will try my best to keep in touch…..

really hope the rain will stop soon… people around me be healthy and happy and with the coming of the sunny weather, life would be so much more comfortable…..

the week is almost to coming to an end…. and it marks the end of my incamp….

met many interesting characters this week and i am happy to see many of my friends during incamp, our relationship started during our active days….. 6 years liao….. most happy to catch up with my buddy, who has became a father…. yeah… so so happy for him………

another year is about to pass… i will be another year older…. sigh….. old man…. but the knowledge and experience i has gained….. is priceless…..

i finally understand the meaning of love…. and this made me extremely happy…. and i really hope that i will continue to be happy…..

i am happy for you, because i know you are smiling…..

for you

may this world be full of love and smiles……

city of glass

i could not sleep last night… memories of JJ came into my mind…. i saw a photo when my eyes were shut… a photo of the ‘group’ shot at chijimes… i don’t remember having or even seen the photo before… i could remember vividly, he was wearing a pair of white jeans and white t shirt… the t shirt had a single light blue strip across the middle… SZ was not there…. i was in my famous yellow and black, while Ng in white and orange…. there were all of us… yet i only remember what Ng, JJ and i was clothed in. What was the occasion? i don’t know…. Its been 7 years…. a recent news had deeply sadden me…. i told my mum yesterday…. will the outcome be different if safety belts were strapped in then…. sigh…..

Had Jap food again last evening…. at a certain S jap restaurant… moments of A flashed into my mind…. i felt sad…our first and last meal was Jap food…. He even bought sushi for me during my adv dip gradation and promotion…. Now A is no longer around…. "Life is not worth it…. so don’t be too upset about the ups and downs…", he always said to me and i will always keep it with me….. I remembered how he shook my hand in congratulating me and held my hand to get a lift….. I don’t know why we click instantly…. perhaps there were many similarities in our character….

I will miss you fighter…   

don’t really know what to blog about….

life is quite normal….

having some issues at work….

having big plans at home…

having no luck finding cupids arrows…

having to sell my precious birchirs…

finding excuses for not doing many things that i ode to…

sigh…. life in singapore is so normal….

or perhaps, people in the other atmosphere might be thinking likewise…

really loved the lyrics of this song…..

The Reason - Hoobastank  The video
I’m not a perfect person
as many things I wish I didn’t do
but I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
and so I have to say before I go
that I just want you to know

I’ve found a reason for me
to change who I used to be
a reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I’m sorry that I hurt you
it’s something I must live with everyday
and all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
and be the one who catches all your tears
that’s why I need you to hear

I’ve found a reason for me
to change who I used to be
a reason to start over new
and the reason is you
and the reason is you
and the reason is you
and the reason is you

I’m not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
and so I have to say before I go
that I just want you to know

I’ve found a reason for me
to change who I used to be
a reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I’ve found a reason to show
a side of me you didn’t know
a reason for all that I do
and the reason is you

i think i have found you…….

sometimes it just too late………………………………………………………..

Another song that i enjoy…. Very meaningful lyrics… here it goes

IF by bread:IF by bread

If a picture paints a thousand words,
then why I can’t paint you?
The words will never show the you I’ve some to know.
if a face could launce a thousand ships,
then where am I to go?
There’s no one home but you, You’re all that’s left me too.
And when my love for life is running dry,
you come and pour yourself on me.

If a man could be two places at one time,
I’d be with you.
Tommorrow and today, beside you all the way.
If the world should stop revolving spinning slowly down to die,
I’d spend the end with you. And when the world was through,
Then one by one the stars would all go out,
and you and I would simply fly away

joke of the day: A friend in aussie land want to introduce me to a french lady….

what’s so funny: i support the french football team but i love asian……

ABC, BBC, TBC…. if you know what i mean….

la la la la la la……

i teared,

i teared relentlessly,

i teared at the vulnerability of humanity,

2 person who held roles in my everyday work have left…. gone far far away to pursue their education (i saw one of them off the airport today)

i got a call from a friend’s wife telling me that her husband is in critical condition…. should she allow the doctors to leave him to die in a common ward or should he be sent to intensive care…. i was dumb folded…. i was in shock…. we were just discussing about who will win the world cup……

i asked her:"what does he want?" Knowing him as a fighter, Intensive care was his choice. "ICU", she said. "If he had made his wishes known, then we should respect his decision", i replied.

i visited him in intensive care before retiring home. his vitals appears stable and i pray that he make a miracle.

was at my work area there after… was looking at the staff appreciation board, i can’t help but notice a pretty face smiling at me. She looked so different. Even in her passing, she instructed her family to dedicate her blessings to me. How blessed am i. my heart ached at the numerous familiar photos of people i had served in the past. the laughter we shared, the tears we shed, the fear we felt. each and everyone of them special in their own ways had imparted valuable lessons to my ever hopeless life.

"there is a reason why we served them. there is a reason why they die. although these reasons are largely unknown. but i belief these happened for a reason."’ — what i had penned was said by a colleague. such simple words, but it meant so much.

after so long, i understand and start to believe that i do miss her. but in order not to jeopardize our lives. i decided not to tell her this time. i want to try, try to know her as a person, but i, i don’t think i will do so. cos i, i know the outcome will make me feel resent, resent like i was months back. all i want to do is to pray for her and watch over her from afar, far away that she does not felt my presence. Please be happy. If this is the only way you allow me to love u.

conflicting and untidy emotions penned i know.

but this is what i truly felt today.   

what is absolutely necessary for human beings besides air, water and food?

It’s waiting…… (at least that’s how i feel)

We wait all the time….

Waiting for a date

Waiting for our food to be cooked and served

Waiting for the public transport

Waiting to become an adult

Waiting to see the face of an unborn child

Waiting to attack an enemy

Waiting for the right moment…

Wait Wait Wait….

Every moment is about waiting….

Even death….. (at least that is my years of experience with dying people)

What do i mean?

A dying person waiting for loved ones, close friends, or even people he or she wants to see or hear for at the last time before departing….. What i meant by ’see’ does not necessary mean that they are alert, awake…. they may be in coma…. but when they have ’seen’, ‘hear’ or ’sense’ the presence of that person… they can then pass…. willing or reluctantly….

Wait Wait Wait……

How can we make every waiting moment happy…. well…. just wait… even when we die we have to wait….. unless…. its freak accidents or instant deaths…. but i guess even at that moment… we still wait……

its been so long since i last look you in the eye….

you have aged…

there are so much white hair….

there are countless reckles…

you face have also sunken….

your hands…

i have not hold them since i become an ‘adult’….

i don’t remember when was the last time i held them…

i have never been a filial child….

i shout, nag, and shower thunder on you…

i have done many things that hurt you…..

but you always forgave me…

i sometimes even refuse to understand you….

but i have never once not love you…

i am not an expressive person, not one that openly tell you i care and you matter alot to me….

but you do…

i thought about life without you when i was younger…. and i cried….

as i grown older, the less i want to think about it… because the time i have with you is lesser…

i still don’t tell you i love you….

but i hope i will…

i want to hold your hand… but i don’t know how….

i want you to hold me…

like you did when i was younger…

please forgive me…. Dad, Mum….

I LOVE YOU…

‘you don’t smile as much as before’

‘you looked tired and weak’

‘even you trying to smile seem much of an effort’

‘are you stressed?’

‘what’s wrong with you?’

I wish i knew….

Nothing seems to excite me much now adays….

Resent to just an ordinary city boy…. working, paying bills, hangout with friends alittle and the cycle continues……. (Isn’t that what almost everybody is doing?)

I was on the tallest building in asia a week ago… my mind was blank…. the view was breathtaking…. perhaps its the ambiance…. She came into my mind… I really dunno why…

I become homesick whenever i am out of the country… perhaps i feel alone in a far away land…. then how can i bring myself to study or work aboard? I will become a lunatic.

I am alive but not living,

I am living but not alive,

I am fortunate but not grateful,

I am ungrateful and i know it,

I know it and yet i don’t want to do anything about it…..

A hermit by fate and i hope i am not destine to it….

I just want happiness

my patience was tested today…. yes i blew my top…. but it was only 10% how i used to. I recovered quickly…. and was fairly neutral after that. so does that make me a type A- personality…….. i really don’t know….. at least i know i am not a type A++ anymore…. perhaps its got to do with age….. hope i can change my temperments to a type B……

A little thought that ran through my mind….

I saw my own regrets in her eyes….

Do that mean i regret my actions….

Or does it mean i regret no actions…..

How do i get confused so easily now a days….

Is it become i don’t care anymore….

Or is it because i repress…..

If i repress…..

How come i don’t know….. Perhaps the only tell tale sign is the severe acne outbreak i guess….

Do i love you? Do i miss you?

I can’t answer…. cause i don’t know…..

So what the issue there….. perhaps it just nice being a little sotong at times…. to enjoy the hearty moments life…..

Thank you for make me realise that i am an ungentlemanly a**hole……

I will try to be a better person…..

had such a handful during graveyard shift…. busy busz buszzzzzz…. really ill some clients were….. hope especially one of them will make it back….

Been awhile since i updated…. i have really ‘grown’ more mature…. or it is just my wishful thinking……. gained much insight with thoughts from close friends….. thank you.

Had more insight about the word LOVE and ME after reading Paulo Coelho’s The Zahir…. This book found itself to me at my most desperate moments…. although i am not 100% rid of my feelings…. Once again, it reaffirm that i had never truly LOVED in my life. I don’t know how to love and what is love. Instead all i know is posses. Hope it’s not too late to find out.

"Suffering occurs when we want other people to love us in the way we imagine we want to be loved, and not in the way that love should manifest itself- Free and untrammelled…" (Quote from Paulo Coelho’s The Zahir).

How can i truly say i love her and miss her if i don’t really know her as a being…. or am i just loving an image i have created. Or perhaps after all, i have only loved MYSELF and what i want of her is just a manifestation of my own ‘pre planned’ thoughts.

I still feel terrible when i think of her and what she had said….. Sigh….. Such a silly man……..

A link to one of my current fav song: Ken Hirai

Another link, my fav andy lau song: ANDY LAU